i want to run away —-
i thought i could do it, i thought i could love — but then, here comes the bitter reality as usual and i was left alone once more.
i was afraid of anything he could offer and everything he could not. i was afraid to love him a little way too much, i was weak — and i just can’t accept it, i can’t live with the fact that here is a boy offering himself to me wholeheartedly and there i was cold as ice and couldn’t care less. i mean, what the fuck is wrong with me?
he tried to understand and i knew he endures all the pain. he kept silent, he never fought back. he just left me screaming and shouting, throwing and breaking whatever i can. he just watched me lose myself. after that he would clean all the mess i made, he would give me water to quench my thirst and he will hug me all through the night; making me feel secured, safe — right in his arms where i could cry myself to sleep. no, he never blamed me, he never said anything, he just kept on loving me despite.
maybe it was my fault (i was always at fault anycase), maybe he scared the shit out of me, maybe i wasn’t really ready. there were days when i’d tell him to fuck off, say hurtful things that i didnt really mean and tell him to come back and hug me once again. he was so in love with the crazy bitch me and it breaks my heart to see him suffer in silence…but i just can’t help it. i just can’t.
i ran away a million times so that i wouldn’t be his burden, but he always knew where to find me then carry me back home.
he loved me, i know and i loved him but then sometimes loving someone means you’ll have to let them go and let them grow their own wings — that is what he did.
December 09, 2009, 3:10am
